The cure to anxiety?

Focusing on helping others

I am blessed enough to coach high school football. I find that every year, I learn something amazing from my players. Here is one such example:

I coached a player – maybe one of my favorite players I have ever coached; He was funny, self deprecating, gregarious, and a great teammate. He cared so much about all of his teammates. He became a starter his sophomore year – maybe before he was ready to start at the varsity level. That first year, he got pushed around a little bit, and his confidence waxed and waned. However – each week, he went out and gave it his best effort.

Before I get to his anxiety, I’d like to a brief stories to let you know what sort of young man he was. In his sophomore season, we were in a close game in the 4th quarter, and he and another player had been rotating at guard for me. That way, each of them, being undersized, could be ready to give their herculean best when they were on the field. In that game, he was struggling a bit. He was stronger, but his platoon-mate was quicker. That week, we were playing a quicker opponent, and Max occasionally did not get to the spot to cut the opponent off during the game – though you could tell that the opponent was worn down my max’s strength and tenacity. In the 4^th quarter, when we were down 4 points – the offense got the ball back. Max looked at me and said – “Coach, Robert is playing better than I am today. This is an important drive – stay with him. We need to win this game, so do what’s best for the team”. I can say that there are very few 16 year old young men who would be willing to sacrifice because he knew it was the right thing for the team.

Onto the next year, Max was a starter, and when practices got tough and I was berating the line (I still struggled with berating my players when they were struggling instead of finding better ways to communicate), Max had the ability to make me loosen up with a joke or oftentimes even a look. He would say something – often inappropriate, and the entire offensive line would laugh and the mood would change. That capability made the line perform better when the heat was on. This year, I considered Max a leader of the offensive line even though he was only a junior. He was injured early in the season and upon his return, he struggled a bit. He took those struggles hard. He started blaming the teams lack of success on himself; and as a result, he placed more pressure on his own shoulders. It became a viscious circle. Eventually, due to that cycle, Max began having terrible anxiety attacks on game days. He would dry heave all day and towards the end of the season, he was too weak to be able to play in games.

As his coach and one of his biggest fans, it broke my heart to see him struggle and furthermore, I felt like a failure because I could not find the right words to assure him, or to help him overcome his anxiety. We talked about it and I discussed it with his father to try to find a solution. Eventually, his parents had decided to have him see a counselor.

Ironically, I made that decision only a few months later, after experiencing my first anxiety attack. It was Christmas morning, and I was spending time with my sons, one of my favorite things to do. As they began to playfully bicker, something triggered in my mind, and I couldn’t sit still. I didn’t want to hear anyone, see anyone, I just wanted to be away from everyone with no expectations. I was nearly paralyzed with it. I apologized to my sons, and left within 10 minutes of the anxiety attack. The next day – I thought about Max’s situation and decided to start seeking help with a counselor to try to alleviate the potential that I’d ever have another anxiety attack.

Back to Max - After the season ended, he was in the weight room the following Monday, and was pushing all of the other players to prepare for the following year. He worked incessantly. He was also working on his anxiety and though I could see it in his eyes occasionally when I talked to him, he never talked about it. As Summer practice started, Max was not only performing well at his position, but he took every opportunity to coach the younger kids, to push them to work harder. He was a leader. In our first instra-squad scrimmage of the year, Max had another player roll up on his ankle. A extremely painful sprain resulted.

We kept him out next week when we scrimmaged another team; but he was like a second coach the entire week of practice. He worked hard to help the younger guys prepare, working with them individually and always encouraging them. At the scrimmage, he had the film ready when the offense came off of the field and worked with all of the others to help them see what they were doing and what they needed to do a little better.

The injury persisted, however, Max started every game, though he platooned with another player due to his lack of mobility caused by his injury. When our right tackle went down, Max moved outside and played that position. He worked hard to become a better tackle and performed well against some of our most difficult competition. However, I could feel the anxiety building in him.

Before one of our games, I was feeling tense, and a couple of comments over the headset sent me into full on temper tantrum. I took my headset off, slammed it and shattered it. I was stalking around on the sideline, then realized what an ass I was making of myself in front of our players. I watched our first drive and gave feedback to the line, but it wasn’t as crisp as it usually was. Max sidled up to me, and said “what’s up coach”- I replied, “I got pissed, and lost my temper and now I am embarrassed”. He looked at me, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, “Coach, don’t worry about that, we love you and we NEED you here tonight.” He then winked and said – “you got this”. I laughed a little, and promised him I was focused again and thanked him. First of all, there was not another player I’ve ever coached who would 1.A. have the cajones to have that conversation with me, and 2. Could stand firm under the look I gave him when he asked that first question. While I was looking out for Max, he was also looking out for me. Through his anxiety, he saw something that needed to be fixed (my attitude), and he figured out the right words to bring that change about.

In the first round of the playoffs, we drew an undeafeated team that had dominated all of the teams they played. We knew this was going to be a touch and go game, and we needed all hands on deck. During the week, Max anxiety grew; in addition, I was working him on three different positions, due to injuries. His limited reps at each position put me in a position to have to platoon him at both guard and tackle that week. He was playing, but his time was limited. He knew that this game was wildly important and after the first quarter, he said that he thought the others players were performing better, and that he would play whenever he was needed, but wanted me to stick with the hot hand. As a result, we ended up leading the game by 10 points.

In the fourth quarter, our opponent had closed our lead to 3, and had the momentum. On our first drive of te quarter, we had gone 3 and out and worse, our center ended up with a concussion. The sideline was bedlam, as we knew we had to be successful on our next drive regardless of what was happening. I feverishly searched for the i-pad to watch our film and work with the linemen to shore up our running attack. As I did, I noticed our trainer talking to the center. I hadn’t noticed he was injured. I asked the trainer what was going on and she informed me that our center was done for the day. As I heard the news, I turned my head to go to the place where the offensive line meets between drives, and I saw Max practicing his snaps. He had seen what happened, grabbed a football and our quarterback and was already getting reps in. After talking to the linemen I walked over to Max, and he looked at me. He winked and said – “Coach Berger, We got this” I laughed at him and said – “funny – that’s what I was about to say to you.

On the next drive, we still had the lead, but our defense was running on fumes. We knew we had to hold the ball and run the clock out. Five minutes is a long time when you are hanging onto a 3 point lead. We went for it three times on 4^th and 3, and each time we made the first down, snaps landing exactly where they should in the quarterbacks hands. A victory.

The following week, our center was still out with a concussion, and Max’s anxiety rose and fell early in the week. That is until he heard me talking to our left tackle about going to a counselor. The tackle had been starting to struggle with anxiety too. At that point Max caught up to us and shared with Josh that he had similar issues and that they could lean on one another to get through it. The three of us talked about us all seeing counselors and I mentioned that I think it’s a healthy thing to do when you start to feel overwhelmed.

Max’s anxiety did not show again that week, though his snaps weren’t always perfect, and the head coach asked me several times during the week if Max was going to get the job done. I was confident in my answer. Max was caring for someone else on our team, and I told the head coach “Don’t worry – he’s got this”. Not a single bad snap and a dominating performance by our offensive line, and we moved on in the State championship tournament.

Max developed anxiety because he cared so much about helping the team – and even during his struggles, he was an immense help – though he may not have realized it. In the end, that commitment to caring about his team is what helped him overcome his struggle with anxiety when the stakes were the highest. Max had the bravery to lean into the spotlight and the need to carry the team to solve his anxiety; whereas most people would run away from what’s causing them to be anxious. As I write this today, I reflect on the lesson Max taught me that day, and I will carry it forever.